A tribute to our adventures and pathetic attempts at growing beards during the month of Facial Hair February. The song is by Paul, Lawrence and myself, the track sampled from ‘They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y.)’ by Pete Rock & CL Smooth (1990). I want to point out that Lawrence is severely underrepresented in this video relative to his involvement in the creation of the song. This was mainly due to lack of material I had of him. Fortunately, Lawrence has chronicled his epic adventures in this tasteful memoir/documentary: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TCYiKIuIoo.

In case you want to sing along at home, here are our lyrics:

‘the beard is generally grown by males upon reaching the pubescent stage…’

we’re a bunch of bearded blokes from an unbearded era
and we grow better beards than that actor Michael Cera
we can grow ’em nice and long and unhealthily thick
if you saw us on the street you’d be like ‘those boys are sick’

my beard is thick and white yo it’s straight not curly
I comb it every night and shampoo it real early
I tie it in a knot or a pretty little bow
or if I’m feeling gangsta I sport an afro

it’s a blast from the past like the set of M.A.S.H.
I’ve got a 60’s era vibe with a fresh mustache
they call it better than santa’s yo, my beard is so full
you might think that I’m Amish or my chin could grow wool

like a chinstrap my beard holds my hair onto my head
without this furry helmet the Lord knows I’d be dead
my mustache hangs low like a shaggy Irish setter
but everyone knows that Jesus grows ’em better

biggums up

I got follicles so dense that I shave in the shower
it doesn’t make sense but it’s back in an hour
like Joaquin Phoenix I can grow a mad beard
and like Russel Crowe in Gladiator I am revered

my beard’s so freaking rich it’s like a chocolate dessert
and it’s sproutin’ beardly fast, I hope noone gets hurt
it’s growin’ tight too but if there’s one thing I’ve learned
it’s if you never use a razor then you’ll never get burned

the longer the beard the more there is to comb
I’ve got to lather it thrice just to get it full of foam
conditioner’s required to avoid those split-ends
the rules of facial hair don’t follow any trends

most definitely I can dig it
most definitely you can kick it

‘this is a beard: a male secondary sex characteristic consisting of terminal facial hair on the cheeks, lips, chin and neck’

like a lion in the city, I’m the leader of the pack
with this mane of golden flame yo the king is back
my flagella do be swayin’ when I’m walking in the breeze,
and I’m doing it for frees, for the yous and for the mes

threw my razor in the freezer now it’s in a deep chill
won’t thaw it for a while ‘cuz my beardage is ill

I have so much whisker
I have so much whisker too
I have an average amount of whisker

Yo I ain’t no beardful craven but my cheek hair I’m savin’
it’s got the ladies ravin’ when I’m talking no more shavin’

tomorrow, today, year eleventy-two
from teens to the boomers to the elderly crew
if you pass a bearded brother we all know what to do
we Shooter McGavin and salute that Foo Manchu

yes yes y’all and you don’t stop
to the beat y’all and you don’t stop

this ain’t no goatee and it ain’t a shadow
it’s a full grown front attack facial fur fad, oh
I’m oozing out testosterone all over the floor
there’s a rich, healthy strand poppin out of every pore

the scruff is so thick yo my face is a jungle
no illusion, no trick, no shave routine bungle
it’s intentional protection for this forest of hair
I call it wildlife correction and no chin can compare

that’s right, so it starts
that’s right, off the charts
that’s right, poppin’ out every pore
that’s right

you might think I’m on repeat but the story holds true
my beard is so rich I just don’t know what to do
I could sell an inch on ebay, live my life like a king
if it were gold I’d have more still than Michael Phelps in Beijing

ya, what?

we’re a bunch of bearded blokes from an unbearded time
and we grow beastly beards, you might think it’s a crime
we can grow ’em nice and long and unhealthily thick
if you saw us on the street you be like ‘those boys are sick’

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